Well, I think trenchcoat guy took some stupid pills or something. I'm ok with him, but really now. I mean, sure, you can get a lot of money out of it, but selling your nominal friend to an alien criminal fighting tournament? Probably not the smartest thing the guy's ever done.
"Psst...hey, Daniels." I look at the wall behind me. It's trenchcoat guy. How am I not suprised? Guy loves to keep bothering me. Something strange about that...
"Yeah, what?" Can't be anything too good.
"I've got a friend I'd like you to meet." Another trenchcoat wearer appears out of the shadows. With an alien costume or something. Weird tentacles all over his nose and mouth.
"Well, tell him to take off the costume."
"THIS-IS-MY-REAL-FACE," says the guy/alien, with a rough accent that sounds kind of Australian. Huh. I doubt it, but I'll just let him think he's an alien or a monster or whatever.
"Well, my friend here has a tournament going on," says trenchcoat. "And YOU are one of the lucky contestants!"
"Ok, what?" I'm not good at fighting. I got my ass kicked by this football jerk once though. So I guess that counts as combat experience.
"I signed you up. Got some good money out of it." Of course he did.
"COME-WITH-ME," says the Australien (ain't that a clever name? I thought of it myself) I balk at this, cause really, all I want to do is go home and take a nap. He notices, unfortunately. "I-INSIST," he continues, pulling out a weird alien shotgun. Well, what can ya do? Them's the breaks.
So anyway, now I'm in something called the Dark Horse Tournament. At least in English. Good translators, they managed to make it sound badass in another language. I've only been here for a few hours though; these guys are smart enough to skip the whole "starving the prisoners for days" deal and just make us kill each other before we can try to kill them. Of course, how the fuck I'm gonna survive is a mystery, guess trenchcoat didn't think of that. Again, stupid pills. The people we're under the control of call themselves demons. I think they're just trying too hard. So right now, me and a bunch of other weirdos are on a spaceship above Arularian's Island. They say it used to be a nice place. I could believe that, seeing as these guys seem to be right bastards. Well, now, it's all bloody and there's dead people sticking out of the dunes. I feel really out of place here. Wait, that was random. Anyway, they're calling my name.
"Yeah? Who calls?" The demon hits me. But I've been hit before.
"You're on, bastard!" Great. I'm probably gonna die. Shitface calls another name. "Hawkz! Waykeon! You're with this cunt." This emo-looking guy stands up. Holy crap, he's probably around my age. And he's got a sword and all I got is a stupid plastic horn on my belt. Well, I love Bess, but airhorns weren't made to be weapons. It's a damn weird sword too, it's got a hook on the end.
"Okay, motherfuckers, listen up!" the demon yells. Guy has worse morning breath than me. And that's scary. "Human, waykeon! You got a hell of an obstacle to go through! One of you is gonna be a fucking stiff when ya finish!" Of course one of us will die, it's gonna be me.
Hawkz, whoever he is, considers this for a moment. "So what happens if we both survive?" Heh, what a guy. Pretty charitable.
The demon snickers, but manages to contain himself before erupting into full-blown laughter. "If both of you weaklings can make if out even half alive, you'll fight! How do ya like that for an answer, waykeon!"
Hawkz seems unperturbed by the demon's blustery nature and lack of volume control. "That sounds fun," he replies, giving a slight nod. The hell is this guy?
The demon yells to the jailer. "Hey, Vejita! Waykeon here thinks this sounds fun." Both demons snicker this time in a manner most obnoxious. His name's VEGETA!? He probably figured out he's wasting time, though, cause he sends through the transporters with a mighty toss.
I land this weird open pit arena, and not seeing Hawkz, I presume that he got sent to another pit. Then I look up and I see more demons. "Woohoo, spectators." Well, no stranger to making an ass of myself, so here I go. Well, I tripped the first booby trap (the old giant swinging log trick) but I get a lucky sideways dodge...into the second booby trap (the old trapdoor trick) Well, I'm out. The demons start laughing. Ok, you try this, fuckers. I look at my erstwhile cellmate, which happens to be a very large animal. Yeah, here I go. Thanks a lot, trenchcoat. It's starving though, I can tell. It looks rather like a hyena, making me feel sorry for it. I'll call him Ed, perhaps, before he eats me. Or...hang on, I just had an idea.
"Hey, boy." He jerks around, and looks at me. I try to keep the fear out of my voice. Canines sense fear, as Emily reminds me for the millionth time. "You want some meat, right?" Ed seems to understand what I'm saying. "You think you could get out of here for some meat?" Ed jerks his head in what may be a nod. I just got really, really, lucky. "C'mon, let's go. There's a big cheeseburger waiting for both of us. You get first pick, Ed. Up we go." I hold onto Ed, hoping he can support my weight. Which, again, in another stroke of luck, he can. Ed practically jumps out of the pit for that cheeseburger, and I roll off him.
"Alright, Ed! Forward and onward!" I look at the faces of the demons in the audience. They're rather surprised. Then again, they wouldn't be if they knew shit about treating animals. By the way, I'm still afraid of Ed. Considering our miracle cheeseburger hasn't shown itself, he'll probably kill me. Of course, I ain't out of the woods yet, considering I almost walked into some rather rattlesnake-ish looking things. A giant pit of them. Hmm...
"Ed, I know I promised you a cheeseburger, but this is all we got," I said, making the best gestures I could. Again, he seemed to understand. Ed dove into that pit of snakes like...nobody else could. I've never seen hyenas eat snakes. Although, to be fair, these were hyena-analogs and snake-analogs, so why say that hyenas couldn't eat snakes? Ed was eating them just fine. Come on, I gotta get there before something else attacks me...
5 minutes later
Ed just finished eating all the snakes, and he gives a loud belch of satisfaction. "Attaboy, Eddie! Alright, I'm going on ahead. Thanks a lot." Ed again belches contentedly, and I make it through the door into the next pit. This time I'm lucky enough to avoid the first three traps. I'm also lucky my opponent hasn't appeared yet. If I had to face that sword thing, I'd be in fucking trouble.
Oh, sorry, sorta blacked out for a moment there. Yeah, I'm in a completely different stage. Don't know how, don't know why. The demons are all looking at me kinda shocked. I go up to the nearest one. "Hey, what happened there?"
The demon stares at me and picks his nose. "You..uhhh..."
"Come on, man, I don't have all day!"
"Uhhh...." SPLAT! I get hit by a wet and squishy vegetable. A demonic tomato, perhaps?
"Get on with it!" It rises into a chant. "GET! ON! WITH! IT! GET! ON! WITH! IT!" Jeez, tough crowd. I do so, and trip over something furry. The furry thing roars. I run. The demons laugh. Stupid fucks. I kick the furry thing, and lucky for me, it isn't Ed. The furry thing roars. I pick it up by the tail and throw it through the door, and it triggers the next trap. Hey, not bad. That could have been bloody, as I hear demons gasping and an explosion. I run through the explosion to a door. Marked FINAL ARENA. I open it.
"Haha, sucker!" Out charges an ax-wielding demon. I sidestep him. I run through, somehow managing to avoid the traps. The fact that they explode behind me and that the demons are looking increasingly shocked with every explosion is rather worrying though...anyway. The next door is marked: FINAL ARENA (we mean it this time) It goes into a building this time. With a roof (duh). And a couple of spotlights. Probably cause they wanted to be epic or something.
"Uh, hiiiii...Hawkz." I am facing my opponent. In all his hook-sword-armed emotastic glory. I am FUCKED.
"So, I guess you are here to fight me."
"Nah, I'm here to TRY to fight you."
This guy who seems like the announcer steps up to the podium. "ALRIGHT! The first fight of the second Dark Horse Tournament...IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!" The crowd of demons watching roars its approval. "Today we have Planet Earth's CHARLIE DANIELS pitted against Planet Wayke's JUSTIN HAWKZ!" The crowd roars again.
We both stand around for a few seconds, and the crowd begins to boo and hiss. Some idiot roars "HIT EACH OTHER ALREADY!" I think about hitting the bastard himself (just to see how he likes it) but I decide against it, considering that they wouldn't call themselves demons if they weren't strong.
"You wanna go first?" I ask him. Hawkz shrugs.
"Sure." He swings the sword at me. I dodge around him. Alright, remember: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Hawkz doesn't seem to care, as he just swings again. I can't dodge this one, but I manage to punch him in the face. Then I draw my own weapon. Right in the face that I just punched.
"Hawkz...meet Bess!" GA-HOOOOOOOOOOOONK! He reels backwards, holding one of his ears. "What an unorthodox choice of weapon!" booms announcer-guy.
"No way! Never woulda guessed," I answer back, smiling. Hey, I held my own against the guy, that's good enough. He throws his sword up into the air like a shuriken. Huh? What the hell's that gonna...It smashes out one of the spotlights.
"That should help a little."
He strikes again with the sword, but instead of a slash, he hooks me up like a fish. The demons laugh. He then flings me into the air. "That's gonna hurt in the morning!" jokes the announcer. And as I go flying, one of his arms transforms into a flying fist and he rocket-punches me. I swear I'm not kidding. I try to dodge, but I'm no ninja, I can't dodge in midair. Thus I get a gut hit. And that hurts. If this was an anime, I'd be coughing up blood right now, but it isn't, so I just cough violently. And I can swear that there's some guy waiting for me up in the rafters with a pipe or something, but...
Seriously, what the hell? What's with all the boot to the heads I've been getting as of late? Is there another one of those "screw with Charlie" conspiracies I've been finding out about? Lucky for me, this only knocks me unconscious for a few seconds. I come to with a slip of paper shoved straight in my face.
His right arm's his weak spot.
Ok...so somebody's helping me. But trenchcoat guy wouldn't do that. He's not that helpful. So that rules out any possibility I can think of right nowholycrapI'mfallingofftherafters! I'm lucky, I manage to land on my feet. And my hands. That hurts. So much. But at least I have a good attack now. Hawkz does the boomerang/shuriken thing to slash out one of the other lights, so now I'm fucked. I can barely see. Hawkz seems to see the "oh, crap" expression I have on my face. Somehow. With all the slashing out the lights that's going on, he probably can see in the dark.
"No worries," he responds. "I'm gonna give you at least a little light." (
"What a nice guy, ladies and gentlemen, let's give Justin Hawkz a big hand!" says the announcer.
Hawkz morphs his arm, which it now occurs to me would be his right arm, into another sword. Fuck, I'm gonna have to attack that thing!?
"Thanks...I think." He charges and slashes at me with both swords, giving me a matching set of scars to remember him by. I give him a one-two to the face, and try to do a sweep kick at his legs. It was a lousy sweep kick, but I managed to trip him, so success. I draw Bess again and hold down the button, giving her a long, drawn-out call. Hawkz holds both his ears in pain this time. Feeling satisfied by this, I whack him in his right arm/sword thing with Bess.
"OW! Fuck, that HURTS!" The arm transforms back to normal. The announcer gasps. "HOLY CRAP! Charlie Daniels is making a comeback!"
I coulda gone on, cause I had the audience on my side for once (they were laughing their ASSES off, let me tell you) but I was feeling a little sick. Probably the blood loss. I grit my teeth for one last big one. Hokuto...HYAKURETSU KEN!
"ATATATATATATATA...." I throw a whole bunch of jabs and crosses at that arm, which really isn't sitting well with Hawkz. He is in pain. A whole lot of pain. Then I give him a right hook to the face. That one finally makes him fall down. So I did the only thing that occurred to me. I sat on him. He's probably at least a bit heavier than me, but hey, having a person sit on you is nothing to sneeze at. I tell him one last thing.
"Dude, it's nothing personal."
Then I pass out.
Several hours later
We got lucky. The demons may be bastards, but they have the decency to bandage us up before they throw us out. So now we're back on the ship. I wake up next to Hawkz.
"Nice fight, kid."
"Cool." Now that ain't something you hear every day. I decide to tell him my suspicions. He's not really a bad guy. "Hey...did you see anyone up in those rafters back there?"
Hawkz scrunches his forehead in concentration. "Hmm...ok...up in the rafters..." He looks blank. "Can't remember a thing."
"Huh." So I try to make some small talk. "How'd you get here? I was sold."
"Oh, I signed up," Hawkz replies idly.
My jaw drops. "THE HELL? ARE YOU CRAZY!? DID SOMEONE HIT YOU WITH A PIPE OR SOMETHING!"
"No, I just like a good...wait a minute." He gets that "trying to recall" expression on his face again. "Hit with a pipe..."
Of course there's gotta be something fishy going on.